So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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