Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
