Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
