Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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