Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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