i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
