Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
