I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
This house was built for laser tag.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
