I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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