after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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