im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
