I murdered the dance floor call the cops
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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