I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
