I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
