get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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