So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
