In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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