I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
