The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
