Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
