I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize