I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
