Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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