just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
