We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
