I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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