We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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