apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
porn star boner night. come get it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
