i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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