I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
