life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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