Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize