I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize