does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
