i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
