She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
