Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
