I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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