anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
