She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dick very happy bro
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
