speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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