I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
