I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
