I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
