are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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