just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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