this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
