yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
