mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize