Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
