I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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