I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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