It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
