Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
