Hey man sorry I got all grabby
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
