Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize