you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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