let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
