I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
