but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
